Espoir.

Hello Internet peoples! it’s only been about four months. Did you miss me?!

So today, it’s the first day of November, and I decided a while ago that I’d give myself til now to get together a few different blog posts which reflected my life so far in France. If you don’t know, I now live in France, yay! I’m on my year abroad, and I’m working as a language assistant in a lycée in a town just north of Paris. It’s been an interesting month, and lots of exciting, wonderful and indescribable things have happened, which I intend to tell you about very soon.

I’ve spent three hours sitting in front of my computer tonight, staring blankly at the screen and trying to sum it up. And before that, I’ve spent countless nights during the week trying to put it all into words in the right way, in the style that I normally write in, using the words to convey all these unique and odd little experiences I’ve went through. But once I’ve typed 100 or 1000 or 10,000 words, it’s never been right. So I’d delete everything, and say I’d start again, which I tried to do. Eventually, I stopped trying to write these fussy words down, and I asked myself why they weren’t coming out, and why they didn’t feel right. And then I realised that it didn’t feel right because I don’t feel right. This week has been, for lack of a better word, crap.

Now before I start, I promise you all with all the energy in my wee soul that I’m okay. I’m not going to freak out or go mad or attack anyone with a croissant any time soon, oh no. Please please PLEASE don’t worry! What I’m trying to say is I’m stuck in a bit of a rut with the old blogging malarky, and I’ve had loads of people being like “Hey, where’s the blogs? Make with the blogs! Why aren’t you writing? I want to hear all about it!” And you will, if you want to read them when I get them done and I’m happy with them. But the reason I’ve been finding it so hard is because this week has been kind of difficult, and things either didn’t go to plan or felt a bit bleh, hence my creativity taking a dive.

We’re currently at the end of a two week holiday here in France called Toussaint, and at any other time in the year, a two week holiday would have been great. But I had a long summer, I took a week off work at the end of the summer holidays, had a holiday in Paris for a week, and spent my only two weeks of work merely introducing myself to classes, showing the same presentation about me and my life over and over again. Which means that for the longest time, I’ve been on holiday mode, so the last thing I wanted was another flipping holiday! I think my brain has officially been deactivated. The wheel may indeed be turning, but the gerbil is very much deceased.

But I decided to make the most of this holiday, so myself and another assistant went to Amsterdam in the first week, which was incredible, and then for the second week i thought “Okay, i’ll have a Paris day, we’re going to Versailles, and the teachers said they’d meet me for a drink, and I’ll visit here and there and see this person” and so on. But with one thing and another, these plans didn’t come into fruition. So I’ve spent the whole week doing nothing, which has been the crappiest most rubbish week ever.

I AM SO SORRY TO BE SO NEGATIVE I’M JUST TRYING TO GIVE YOU GUYS AN INSIGHT INTO MY LIFE AND APOLOGISE FOR MY LACK OF BLOGS 😦

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

But it’s also okay. Like everything in life, I know that not everyday is going to be amazing and exciting. There’s boring days in between too! But I think that when you’re sitting in your room alone in the middle of France, watching your friends as they carry on with their lives back home, knowing that they’re having a fabulous time whilst speaking English in rooms of English speakers, it feels like a bit of a kick in the bits. I know for a fact if I was sitting in my room in Belfast alone, it wouldn’t feel just as bad; being away from everyone you know and not speaking the language of everyone in your town is the hard bit. France exaggerates these sad feelings.

I’ve had loads of people sending me wee messages and I’ve had a few Skype calls too, which has been wonderful and lovely, and getting the wifi sorted was a huge help in settling in here! I just think the past week has been so tough because I’ve had time to dwell on the fact that maybe I’m more alone than I’d previously felt, because before I was working and exploring and everything was new. I feel like someone took my rose-tinted spectacles, threw them on the ground, and rode a horse over them; a horse which then took a dump on them.

My biggest problem is that I know so many people are rooting for me, and I know that even if people haven’t been in contact with for a while, they still care, which is sooooooo amazing! But that also means when I do feel negative about life here, I feel like it’s not right- but for once I have to be a realist and not an optimist, and say that sometimes, it is more difficult than it appears when Year Abroaders share their shiny pictures on Facebook.

I don’t know why I’m sharing this. I think I just want to say to anybody reading this that I’m sorry for not being more consistent with the whole blogging side of things. And to say that I do love being here, but its not always easy, so please don’t forget to stay in touch. Maybe it’s the out of sight out of mind thing, but just because we’re not on the same piece of land doesn’t mean I’ve stopped existing and being a wee human who feels a bit rubbish when locked in their room for too long (it’s kind of like when you don’t put plants in the sunlight. I NEED TO PHOTOSYNTHESISE!). You could say it’s my own damned fault for not getting out there- I tried- and Paris feels a little too dangerous for me to walk around myself now that it’s getting darker much earlier.

It’s the start of a new month, and so I’m promising myself that I’m going to give this 110%. Again, I’m sorry this post probably wasn’t as chipper and exciting as many of you would have liked; I WILL get round to writing about my experiences this week. I promise! I’ve just had the weight of the world on my heart, and I feel a lot better for trying to explain why I wasn’t sharing uber cool, many excite stories with you all. That’s going to change very soon 🙂

Thank you all for being lovely and wonderful as ever, I hope you’re all keeping très bien, and as ever, I appreciate whoever takes the time to read about my silly life.

Amber xx

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